From Butterflies to Hurricanes
by Euregatto
Summary: Following the disastrous mission with the Female Titan that left Squad Levi two soldiers down, Auruo struggles to live with the guilt gradually eating away at him… and realizes in order for Petra to forgive him, he must first start by forgiving himself. A story about standing up every time you get knocked down. -Auruo x Petra, possible others [warning: rating may change]
1. When the Storm Ends

**A/N**: I swear I'll update my other stories after this, haha~

**Don't forget to drop a review and make my day~**

* * *

**From Butterflies to Hurricanes**

An Auruo x Petra story by: **Euregatto**

**Chapter 1**

* * *

Auruo has been watching Petra from the corner of his eye for most of the ride back to the wall.

Her head is declined against her chest and her tangerine hair splays out like a wispy curtain, shrouding her crestfallen face from view. She's been silent since they failed their mission – since they lost Gunter and Erd and _fuck _was this a completely vain attempt at achieving nothing – but he hasn't exactly been a Chatty Kathy either, something that unnerves him more than it probably does anyone else.

He turns his apricot gaze to the gate as it ascends along the length of the wall, gears grinding and ancient metal chains shrieking like birds above the convoy. The city is already lined with citizens who stare in a dumbfounded silence, noticing the despondent expressions of the soldiers. The quiet screams of death, violence, passion and, above all else, crumbling hopes; the air around them is poisoned with the stench of blood and foreign forests.

"Nothing new," he utters under his breath.

Some soldiers limp off to reunite with their families before joining the back of the line. Auruo doesn't expect his parents or brothers to show up.

He gradually returns his attention to Petra at his side. She hasn't moved, much to his immediate displeasure, but she's still emitting choked sobs and her shoulders quake as she realizes – or, rather, as he realizes for her – that they made it out alive in the end. After all the death and the violence and the way she had to accept that they weren't going to avenge Gunter and Erd no matter how strong they were –

With a heavy sigh he decides to break the tension. "You know I hate when you cry," he says empathetically, drawing his horse closer. "It breaks my heart, babe."

Gently, he brushes her bangs out of her face and sweeps them behind her ear. Her amber eyes are red and puffy; cheeks stained with spent tears that continue to roll down her tattered skin and drip off her chin in pathetic rivulets. His teeth grind together. Deluding his current thoughts of stabbing that female Titan until he dropped, he says, softly, "Petra, c'mon, it's alright…"

"It's not alright," she whispers bitterly, "it will _never_ be alright. I'm so… I'm such a fucking idiot, Auruo. How can I protect these walls, these people"—she gestures to them with one arm—"when I can't even save my own teammates?"

Auruo doesn't want to remember it but he does: the way he swung in to grab Petra out of the way just as the Titan moved in for the kill, and the way Eren slammed her head into the ground afterwards to protect them. It was all desperation and instinct. _And Petra would have died if I had hesitated. Tch, now that's something I don't want to think about._

But Erd…and Gunter…and all those poor bastards from the reinforcements… They would have joined them – been nothing more than mincemeat amongst the shrubbery or an explosion of blood and flattened body parts on a tree. Nothing to cremate, nothing to bring home to their families. _But we're alive, _he tells himself finally, moving a hand to Petra's back and massaging the crevice of her shoulder blades and dip of her spine in gradual circles._ You know it too, don't you? That one thing we now have to do…_

Auruo doesn't have time to dwell on the thought when Petra snaps her head up to glance into the crowd. He spots her father waving her over, smile as lively as ever. Petra breaks away from the line and trots over to meet him, throwing herself from her horse and into his embrace. Auruo reluctantly follows suit, pulling his stallion up alongside her mare.

"Honey, I'm glad you're OK," her father remarks. "I saw Corporal Levi up front, and I got worried when you weren't there."

"I'm alright," she returns with a forced smile, "just a little shaken up."

That's a lie, but only Auruo knows it so he keeps his mouth shut. He's not really in the mood to push her buttons – "Oh, Petra, who's this?" Auruo goes rigid in his seat when her father addresses him, and her gaze is turning in his direction. Papa Ral just continues with the questioning. "Is that your boyfriend? Because I could've sworn you wanted to marry Levi…" (That last comment has Auruo involuntarily tightening his grip on the reigns).

Petra rolls her eyes. "No he's not. That's Auruo Bossard; I told you about him in my last letter."

He grunts. "Huh… Nice to meet you, Auruo!"

Auruo nods in his direction. "Yo." Charming, as always.

"You should marry my daughter," he concludes.

Petra groans a strained _'Papa'_ in annoyance but Auruo just scoffs under his breath as his lips ascend into a smug grin. "I'm not going to marry her for the same reason no one else wants to – she ain't wife material."

"I am too!" Petra snaps back, hands on her hips in defiance. "I just haven't found Mr. Right yet, is all. That has nothing to do with me!"

"It has everything to do with you," he counters with yet another scoff, "you're the sassiest thing on two legs, baby. It's like wearing a sign that says 'sensible men keep away'."

She lightly slaps his horse on the rear and it trots forward. "Get lost!"

"Later babe!" He calls out, breaking into a gallop. "You'll miss me while I'm gone!"

Even though her father is sharing this knowing glance with each other, she's personally giving him her middle finger. Auruo waits until they're out of sight to slow down again. "Shit," he hisses, weaving his fingers into his shortened hair and gripping his ashy ends. Her father was blithely pleasant, for the most part, but he can't help but imagine what it would've been like to talk to him without Petra.

And now that leaves an immense burning in his chest.

_What do I tell Gunter's family? How can I possibly… _His thoughts are cut short by the silhouette of Gunter's grandfather and sister up ahead, glancing around for their respective grandson and little brother. Levi had probably avoided them. _How uncool of him. Not that it isn't hard for me to approach them, either…_

With a haughty sigh he braces for the worst and starts towards them, heart in his stomach and knuckles white from his vice grip on the reigns. _I'd better save Petra the trouble. She's been through enough._

He doesn't know what to say, really, but when they make inquiries as to Gunter's whereabouts all Auruo can do is cast his gaze down and utter, sympathetically, "He died valiantly in the front lines of battle, protecting his comrades and essentially all of humanity. He was one of the best soldier's I've ever met – and he was a great guy, too. I couldn't have asked to work with anyone else but him."

He stretches the truth – excludes the facts that Gunter was murdered and Auruo was too weak to kill the Female Titan, so he took Petra and _ran away_ so Eren could deal with it _alone_, and he omits that Gunter's death was in vain… that the murderer escaped and Auruo didn't do anything about it.

He doesn't admit he's a coward. He doesn't comfort them as they cry into each other's arms. He doesn't know what to say to Erd's pregnant wife, but recites the upcoming apologies in his head, again and again _and again_ as he trots away from the weeping family and rejoins the line –

_Fuck, why did you assholes have to get killed on me?_

******.: . :.**

******From Butterflies to Hurricanes**

**************.: . :.**

There is this intense ringing in his ear, a piercing sound like lightning in the darkness around him. It's pitch black in his barren room; he meant to light the candle, honestly, but as soon as he sat down at his desk his head fell limply into his hands and he disregarded the world for hours. Now the moon is shrouded by a ceiling of bereaved clouds. Droplets pelt the windows relentlessly, like a torrent of hail, big and fat and in synch like drums –

_Happy thoughts, happy thoughts… _If he kept thinking in the dark his morbid mind would only intensify the guilt raging like fire in his chest.

A light flickers from beneath his door. _Petra must still be up, _he figures. He musters up enough esteem to cross the hall – squinting into the sudden intake of candlelight – and enters her room, unannounced, without knocking, typical of him. He isn't surprised to find her fast asleep at her desk, half-written letter pressed under her stained cheek and soaked with spent tears.

Sighing, he treks across the room and slides one arm under her knees, looping the other through her arms. She stirs, eyelids fluttering as she registers reality. "A-Auruo?"

"I don't want you hurting your back," he mutters, lifting her up against his chest. She's much heavier than she looks, but he sucks it up all the same. "Let's put you to bed."

She absently hums an agreement in her throat, letting him lay her on her bed without fuss. He pulls the sheet up to her chin. "Erd was your-" she starts, abruptly caught off by a small yawn, "-brother-in-law…"

Auruo brushes the stray wisps of her bangs out of her face. "Yes, he was."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, Petra. Now go to sleep." He steps away just as she falls back into unconsciousness, muttering incoherent comments that die on her tongue. He moves over to the desk to blow out her candles.

The parchment letter catches his eye. Against his better judgment – and with a quick glance around to make sure she isn't awake – he reads it.

_Dear Lance Corporal Levi,_

_I ran this by my father already, and I don't think he's told you yet… but I'm going to retire early. After the failure in the forest I don't think I can handle another near-death experience like that. There are so many things I still want to do with my life while I can – marry, have kids, get a dog… I've done what I can to protect humanity, but I can do more good in a home than dead in the field. I hope you understand._

_I must admit I'm a little annoyed with that obtuse annoyance we call Auruo. He saved my life, yes, but instead of fighting the Female Titan to avenge the deaths of Erd and Gunter he took me and ran away. I know that he meant well, and he was smart to keep us out of harm's way, but at the same time I can't find it in my heart to forgive him. It might have something to do with the fact that I can't forgive myself for being so weak. At the same time, I didn't flee in the midst of battle._

_So as my parting wish I want you to tell him that I'm not mad at him; that I know what he did was right. And maybe one day I'll forgive him._

_I plan on moving into the Stohess district, near my aunt and uncle, and I can send my kids to a nice school. I don't know when I'm retiring, honestly, but it'll be soon. Maybe next week. Maybe next month. Or sometime in between._

_From there –_

That's where the letter ends. Auruo's fingers curl into a tight fist and blows out the candle flames, traverses the room to the hall; shutting the door quietly behind him. The dimly lit corridor offers him no comfort in his solitude.

"Auruo?"

He nearly jumps out of his own skin and whirls around to face Levi. "Shit, Captain, you – uh – never mind. What are you doing up?"

Levi's obsidian gaze locks with his, burning intensely in the midnight shadows. He looks tired; the rings under his eyes are darker than yesterday, making him appear only the shell of a man he had once been – before this mission, maybe even before he joined the Scouting Legion. Now he's haunted by the too many casualties out in the battlefield, dreams smeared with despair as recurrent as the Titan hordes.

"Come," is all he says, trekking down the hall on a small limp.

Auruo follows intently, sauntering in his captain's wake into his room. Even the rookies would know it's Levi room right off the bat – it's spotless, bed properly made without a single wrinkle, bare cobblestone walls painted with the dancing shadows from the candlelight, paperwork on his desk stacked into the corner in two neat, even piles. It's somewhat lonely, somewhat desolate.

Levi draws the translucent bottle of amber liquid from his dresser, pours two glasses, and hands Auruo the left one. "Here," he offers, "let's talk."

_This can't end well. _He cautiously takes the glass and pulls up the spare chair in the corner, perching at the desk at the Corporal's side. "Talk about what, sir?" he asks, diverting his stare to the alcohol as he sips at it.

"The mission." Levi folds one leg over his opposing knee and takes an unnervingly long drink, barely flinching as it burns its way down his throat like fire, melanoid glare cast up at the ceiling. "I want to know what happened out there, detail for detail." The grandfather clock in the corner of the room ticks ominously. "And I especially want to know"—he lands his frigid stare on Auruo who immediately seizes up in fear—"why you _abandoned_ your duty."

Auruo shifts uncomfortably as his vindictive captain takes another drink, downing his glass blithely, bituminous eyes glazing over with a sudden haze as the alcohol takes effect. The opposing man grits his teeth.

"Your mission was to protect Eren _with your life_," Levi continues with an effete sigh, voice pitched between disappointment and bleary anger despite his calm demeanor. "Am I wrong?"

Auruo swallows dryly. "N-No, sir."

"Then why the fuck did you flee the battlefield?"

He takes a moment to let that sink in – it's one thing to know you're a coward, but Auruo realizes that the unwavering tone in the Corporal's voice hits home just as hard as reality ever could – and casts his attention to the window as thunder roars in the background of the bereaved ceiling of clouds. And then he remembers.

_"Let me go, Auruo!"_

He closes his eyes, briefly, letting the memories take hold for a moment.

_"We have to kill her!"_

_Her thrashing forces Auruo to drop them off on a branch somewhere closer to the battlefield then he would like to be. His hold on her waist tightens, suffocating, teeth grinding together as she nearly dislocates his arm from the socket of his shoulder. "Petra!" He snaps, but she's still fussing like a baby. "Petra, knock it off before I drop you!"_

_"Eren's fighting her alone!"_

_"We can't do anything for him!" He counters. _

_"LET ME GO!"_

_"PETRA!"_

_"I SAID **LET ME GO!**"—her fist connects with his chin in a well-placed punch of defiance, but he folds her firmly in the tight embrace of his arms—"SHE KILLED GUNTER AND ERD!"_

_"And she almost killed you too!"_

_Petra freezes up, honey-gold eyes blown open with astonishment and despair as Eren pins the Female Titan to the ground and howls his rage into her face, his screaming this piercing sound that sends vibrations through her chest, swelling the cavern of her chest with pure anguish. She slides to her knees, taking Auruo with her, arms limp at her sides. "She… but she killed Erd…and sh-she murdered Gunter…!"_

_"I know babe," he utters soothingly, fingers combing her tangerine hair that is now matted with the day's collection of sweat and dirt. "I know she did…"_

_"And we have to protect Eren, Captain Levi wants us to protect-"_

_"It's okay," he whispers into her ear, pressing his lips to her jaw line. He can taste the salt of her tears rolling down her cheeks. "Ssh, it's okay… There's nothing we can do. We're not any good to Eren if we're dead."_

_She sobs quietly then, shaking against his chest, slipping her arms under his cloak and holding him tight. "We couldn't… Wh-why, Auruo? Why couldn't we save them? Why did you save me and not… and not either of them?" _

_She digs her nails into his spine. _

**_"What makes me so special?"_**

_The questions continuously roll off of her tongue bitterly, but Auruo holds her close so he doesn't have to answer._

He drags himself back into reality with a raspy sigh, grasp on his glass uncomfortably tight. Gradually he places it on the notched wood of the desktop. "I fled because I decided my life wasn't worth the sacrifice, sir."

"So Gunter's and Erd's were?"

Levi's glare is hardened into solid rock, void of life, laughter, innocence, hope. It's too unsettling for Auruo, who abruptly shoots to his feet, clearly hurt, frustrated, and defeated, and he strides towards the door (cowardly running away, as always). His captain is silent as he quietly shuts the panel behind him. Setting his jaw, he returns to his room, snatches his cloak and storms through the castle to the stables outside.

It's still a cataclysmic tempest, much to his dismay, but his stallion doesn't mind so he mounts, pulls his hood up, and rides fearlessly into the storm. He doesn't look back.

Auruo Bossard fell from his high horse that day, right into a harsh reality. And he doesn't suppose anyone, especially Petra, will forgive him for what he's done. It's time to make amends, as small as they may be.


	2. Your Life is No Longer Yours to Own

**A/N**: I WANT TO UPDATE MY OTHER STORIES PLEASE STOP DISTRACTING ME PETRA AND AURUO YOU'RE ADORABLE *sobs into hands* btw, look up images of a "Jagdterrier", it's what Auruo's dog looks like. (OK, seriously... trying to update my other fanfics but this one is so freaking fun to write).

**Warning**: Dark themes lurk about end of this chapter. And sorry for Levi being such a dick... but I promise he gets better.

**Don't forget to leave a review and make my day~**

* * *

**From Butterflies to Hurricanes**

An Auruo x Petra story by: **Euregatto**

**Chapter 2**

* * *

Petra has to admit – when she gets anxious it physically _shows_, whether it be the sudden cracking in her shouting or the dribbles of sweat gliding down her porcelain skin. Her leg bobs up and down impatiently to an untimed tempo as she sits rigidly on the front steps like she's on shards of glass; she grips the crinkle in her jeans, soothes it out, messes it up again to keep her mind on anything other than Auruo, presses it out.

_He's been gone for two days… Doesn't he know that Erwin and Levi might be stripped of their ranks? That Eren… _she glances over at the boy several yards away, feeding his horse in the stables, _is most likely going to be executed?_

Levi appears in her peripheral vision, seemingly watching the movements of the other soldiers as they go about their business. She turns her head to fully look at him. He appears to be mentally separating the best from the rest, possibly as candidates to fill in the temporary positions on his squad (and if all went somewhat well with the King, maybe the occupations would be permanent). If Auruo didn't show up soon, however, his spot would probably be filled, too –

_Aaaand back to Auruo again. Fucking hell._

As if on cue a chorus of clopping noises echo out from the cobblestone path leading up to the stables. The familiar, chocolate horse trots into view and up to Levi. Auruo is perched up top, expression stitched into a permanent, emotionless line, and his left eye swelled dark purple. There is a medium-sized dog with a scraggly, obsidian coat, and brown muzzle and paws at his horse's hooves, ears perked in Levi's direction quizzically.

Levi looks down at it, briefly, before glancing back up. "Who the fuck did you piss off now?"

"Long story," Auruo returns bitterly.

"And the mutt?"

The dog barks in response to his question. Auruo shrugs passively but his eyes are elsewhere. "I gave him some leftovers and the fleabag hasn't stopped following me. Named him Barnabas, if it makes any difference."

"It doesn't." Levi turns back to his original task. "Now go clean yourself up and let Petra fill you in on what you missed while you were out fucking off."

Auruo's jaw visibly tightens. He clicks his tongue and his horse starts forward. "Let's go Barnabas," he declares. The dog pads in his wake, following his master into the stables. Auruo dismounts in his respective cubical, ties up his stallion, and unbuckles the first belt on the saddle; Barnabas sits at his feet, gazing blankly – and maybe even a little expectantly – up at the soldier. His ears suddenly perk and he glances at the gate.

Petra appears in Auruo's line of sight, lips pressed into a frown to mirror his own current expression. She wordlessly moves up to meet him, lifting her fingers to his bruised socket. "I was worried about you," she admits quietly, gently tracing the outline of his injury. He winces. "You were gone for so long and didn't tell anyone where you were heading… Are you okay now?"

"Fine," he bluffs, but doesn't move out of her touch. "What'd I miss?"

"Eren might be executed."

Auruo stiffens, eyebrow arcing in candid surprise. "No shit?"

"And the Commander and Corporal might be stripped of their ranks."

He grunts at that. "Figures. That lard-ass on the throne can't make a proper decision for the life of him – other than what to eat for dinner." He abandons the saddle for the reigns, fumbling with the latches. "It doesn't even matter. I'm not surprised by shit now-a-days. My job is to protect some street-smart boy who can turn into a fucking _Titan_." He trails off so suddenly Petra isn't even sure she's talking to the right person anymore. "Not like I can even do _that_ right. My sister was right about me." A scoff. "I'm useless…"

Petra's hand finds the small of his back. "Auruo… what happened?"

His forehead falls into his horse's as he exhales a sigh of frustration. "I just wanted to make things right… I didn't – I didn't _mean_ for this to happen"—she winds her arms around his waist and rests her head against the cage of his back—"and I keep making it worse when I try to fix it. I don't know how to make it up to you, or to Eren, or to Gunter's family…" He shudders involuntarily as she tightens her grasp on him. "I certainly don't think I could ever make it up to Levi. And my own family? Forget it."

Petra moves her chin to the length of his spine. "It's your family, they'll accept you no matter what happens."

"Tell that to Maya."

"Is she the one who gave you your black eye?"

Auruo reaches over to unbuckle his horse's reigns so he can avoid answering her, but to his immediate surprise her hand lashes up to grab a hold of his, her slender fingers locking around his own to still his movements. She turns his palm up, entwining their individual grips, pressing her cheek to his ribs. He has never been so close to her before – never touched her with anything more than a high-five or a hug – and the only thing he wants to do is push her away from him.

"Tell me what happened," she coerces, her voice hushed, her grip on him tightening again.

"OK," he utters in return, defeat setting in quickly, "OK… I wanted to see my family – my brothers, my parents – and didn't expect to see Maya upon my arrival. She had come to visit for the day… just my luck." He touches the rim of his injury. "I told her what happened in the forest."

_"You left him there to rot?!"_

_"There was nothing I could do!"_

_"You **abandoned** him! He was your friend, my husband, our **family**! Why didn't you save him?!"_

Auruo dejectedly shakes the memory from his mind. "We got into a _slight_ disagreement over it… Maya's the only girl of my siblings, but she was in the trainee squad the same year as Erd and I. That's how they met. She retired from the Garrison and settled down after finding out she was pregnant with his first child."

"How long ago was that?" Petra questions quietly.

"About a year."

"But Erd doesn't have a - …She miscarried, didn't she?"

A nod.

"…Oh."

Auruo sighs under his breath. "She's only two months into this baby… I tried to make it right by telling her I would support her, that I would do anything I could to keep her going… but _fuck_ words don't bring people back from dead! " He remembers how he tried to get her to look at him, but was met with her fist instead of her face; he recalls the way their parents broke them up, Mother to take Maya upstairs, Father to console Auruo who only apologized and stormed out the door. "I fucked up, Petra_. I fucked up_."

Petra opens her mouth to comfort him but nothing comes out. What the hell was she even supposed to say? '_I'm sorry, I know exactly what you're going through'? _Instead of answering, she breaks off and moves over to the stallion's saddle, unbuckling one of the straps. "You don't think Auruo fucked up, do you Casco?" She chimes and the horse snorts in agreement. "I don't either."

"I read your letter."

She freezes and the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. "Y-You did?"

"Yeah." He loosens the reigns and slides the leather straps over Casco's head. "You hate me just as much as everyone else."

"I don't hate you!" She amends, lifting the saddle from the horse's back. It's nearly twice as heavy as her own, but she sucks it up and manages to carry it over to the crate in the corner, resting it up top. She expects him to be watching her when she turns around, but he's instead carving out the dried mud from Casco's left front hoof with a pick, and Barnabas is sitting at his side, tongue lolling out of his mouth. "I'm serious," she continues with her hands moving to her hips, "I don't hate you. I'm _mildly_ annoyed, is all."

"Mm-hm."

"Don't you _dare_ give me the cold shoulder."

Auruo shrugs passively, crouching down to get a better angle of the hoof. Rolling her eyes, she tromps over to stand in front of him, arms crossed in defiance. He glances back up at her. "_What_, Petra?"

"It's not your fault." She kneels down into the dry, saffron straw that cripples beneath her weight. Her honey eyes are devoid of her previous irritation with him, and the sympathy behind them makes him want to carve out his own throat with the pick. "None of this is your fault, and I don't want you thinking I blame you for it." She reaches forward to brush her fingertips against his injury again. "I _only_ blame the Female Titan."

"It's not about that," he interjects, letting Casco take his hoof back. "It's about me… being a coward. The Captain's orders were specific – protect Eren with my life, at all costs, no matter what."

"And you think you're the only one who didn't follow commands?"

Petra's response catches him off guard – technically she's alive as well, which meant she hadn't fulfilled Levi's wishes either. He never really thought about it that way. "But I'm the one who took you away," he argues back, "and that makes it my responsibility!"

"Auruo," she interjects as she pats Barnabas on the head, "it doesn't matter what your responsibility is or what it was… if you think you fucked up that badly, the best you can do is make up for it as you go along. And if it makes you feel any better, I don't think you're a coward." She removes her hand from Barnabas and touches Auruo's shirt right where his heart resides; the organ thrums within the cavern of his chest and sends pulse into her fingertips. "You have a big heart. And anyone who can admit to their mistakes isn't a coward in my book."

Suddenly, and without warning, she presses a gentle kiss to his forward.

"It only makes them human," she drones, shooting to her feet, turning to the open gate. "I'll see you later."

Auruo watches her leave, his expression soft and face a little warmer than a minute ago, before shifting his gaze over to Barnabas. The terrier still has his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

"Oh, shut up fleabag."

He spends the better rest of the hour finishing Casco and feeding him before taking the liberty of returning to his room, intent on catching up with dinner and the sleep that has avoided him for the past two days – he had slept on swinging chair of a random house's front porch, which turned out to be home to a windowed elderly woman who let him stay there without complaint, but it wasn't comfortable in the cold from the rain.

As he turns into the lower corridor he nearly slams right into Levi. "Oh, sorry about that Captain."

"Auruo," Levi replies tonelessly, "I was just looking for you." He draws a parchment letter out from the crevice of his arm. "This got mixed up in my mail. It's for you."

Auruo accepts it carefully, reading the sender up-top. "Huh, it's my mother." He furrows his brow. "Looks serious… Thanks, Captain, I'll see you around." They part ways without another word of exchange and Auruo heads straight for his room. "Stay out here," he tells Barnabas, "I'll be right out and we'll go to dinner." The dog sits back on his hunches, yapping gently, and Auruo shuts the door behind him. He perches at his desk, tearing open the letter's envelope rather unceremoniously.

And then he makes the mistake of reading it.

_My dear son Auruo…_

_I want to leave you a letter that talks about life at home without you, even though there's nothing different aside from the fact that Maya is going to be with us for a short while, but there's something I have to tell you first. We want to help poor Maya get over Erd's death (he was such a sweet boy), but that's where the problem begins…_

_Auruo, sweetheart… Maya lost her baby the night after you left._

_I hope this letter gets to you soon, I'm giving it to this nice young girl from your Legion who was buying bread from our bakery (a lot of it, might I add… oh, I should hurry, she seems to be in a rush). _

_Maya is devastated and I don't know how to make her feel better. She lost her husband, now she's lost another child… She's so quiet now, more reserved than usual. Auruo, I want you to come home, OK? Just for a little while. I know you had such a terrible fight last time, but I want you to be here for her. Be here for your little sister, like you always used to be. She needs all of us now more than ever._

_Oh, yes, and feel free to bring along that lovely friend of yours. The one I met when you first joined that special squad… oh, what was her name? …Petra I believe?_

_Sorry, no time, the girl has to leave._

_Love you,_

_Mom_

******.: . :.**

******From Butterflies to Hurricanes**

**************.: . :.**

Barnabas's barking has been going on relentlessly for some time, the obnoxiously vocal noise resounding along the hallways of the castle like a Titan cry. Petra is tailing Levi as he storms into the upper corridor despite his slight limp, infuriated about the sound even with the calm façade in his expression. "Put a cork in it mutt," he seethes at the dog when Auruo's room comes into view, but he ignores the man and paws at the bottom of the door.

"Barnabas!" Petra exclaims and the wailing dies down instantly. She grabs the handle of the door. "Auruo, it's me, I'm with Captain Levi! Why is Barnabas outside?"

There is nothing but silence on the other end. It lingers for a long while, poisoning the quiet around them with an eerie feel; Barnabas growls impatiently, toes prodding the small crack beneath the division before him.

"Open the door," Levi commands, "now. That's an order, Auruo."

Something inside slams against the floor and the deafening sound of splintering wood singes the thick atmosphere. Panic immediately nestles itself into Petra's features. "We're coming in!" She declares, shoving the wooden slab open with her whole shoulder.

They don't expect to see his desk chair lying in pieces on the floor, and there's blood splatter trailing along the cobblestone floor, reflecting metallic crimson in the evening sunlight; Petra's heart is in her throat, amber eyes blown open with shock. Barnabas immediately pads over to Auruo who is perched on the window sill, back to one edge of the opening, one knee bent, the other hanging off the edge, the gentle breeze tousling his wheat-blond hair.

She moves over to him briskly, hands gripping his upper arms. "Auruo! Are you okay?!"

He's holding one wrist hard, liquid garnet trickling through the cracks in his fingers and staining his clothes. He doesn't seem to register her voice; his apricot gaze is on the nothingness in front of him.

"Auruo," she tries again, "hey, look at me!" He doesn't. "Dammit Auruo! What the hell did you do to yourself?!" She snaps up his forearm, prying his fingers away from his injury, and nearly screaming when a sudden gush of blood leaks from the loss of contact. "_Fucking hell! _Let's go to the infirmary before you bleed out!"

"What's the point?" He utters emotionlessly.

"What's the point?" She echoes, "_What's the **point**?_ YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"

"_Let me_."

Petra freezes up, jaw gaping open like a hooked fish as she struggles to find the words she wants to say. Auruo gazes intensely at the horizon as the sun melts behind the trees, casting gold across the fields below where the rookies are exercising their horses.

"I shouldn't be alive," he mumbles, not even wincing when she clamps down on the giant gash in his wrist, "this nightmare won't end, Petra. And it's because I'm _alive_, in place of Gunter and Erd… in place of every other soldier who gave their lives for this fucking race, who did what was right while I was fucking off like a dog with my tail between my legs. I should be a rotting corpse in the ground, or ashes on a field… but because I _ran_ I _survived_. _I_ _don't_ _deserve_ _life_." He tries to remove her grasp on him but she holds firm. "Just let me die."

Levi spots the letter on the desk and picks it up carelessly, skimming over the words with little interest in his obsidian stare. He immediately turns his attention back to Auruo and Petra.

Petra makes a move to pull him out the window and back into the room. "Come on," she says bitterly, "let's get you to the infirmary!"

"Leave me alone," he shoots back, overpowering her, drawing her back towards him with minimal effort. "Just leave me to die! I don't deserve this life and I'm sure as hell not going to let anyone else get killed because of me!"

Auruo doesn't realize Levi has grabbed the front of his shirt and _punched him square in the face_ until he hits the cold floor with a resounding thud and a fresh explosion of copper fills his mouth. Levi kneels into the opposing man's shoulders, gripping a handful of ashy hair to tilt Auruo's chin upwards. Petra stands halfway between them and the window, hand covering her mouth to force down the plea she had screamed that went unnoticed.

"Grow the fuck up," Levi snarls, "be thankful you're alive you inconsiderate prick."

Barnabas is growling ferociously to Levi's left, midnight black fur standing on edge along the arc of his back, waiting for Levi's next move to strike. The Captain ignores it (he's come face to face with Titans much scarier many times before, and knows better than anyone that killing them doesn't bring any comfort to the death of your platoon members) with a mere grunt.

"C-Captain!" Auruo stresses, struggling against Levi's weight.

"Do you think Erd and Gunter would want you to throw your life away?!" He snaps, grip becoming unbearably tight. "Do you believe that your pathetic life is worth any more than theirs? _Do you?! _What makes you think you're any better than all the soldiers we left out in the field? They would choose to be alive, Auruo, _alive_. But they're dead. They're all _dead_!"

Auruo realizes it then – Levi is living in surmountable guilt too, because he had left them alone… and because he wasn't there, Erd and Gunter had been killed.

He lifts Auruo's head by his hair and collar and slams his skull smack into the floor, bone making a sickening cracking sound against the stone. Barnabas erupts into savage barks. "And you're alive! You have what they can _never get back_, and you're just going to toss it right out the fucking window!"

Auruo groans as pain sets in, eyes flickering with haziness.

Levi rises shakily to his feet. "Your life is not your own to take, it is only yours to _give_. That is what you have to accept to be in the Scouting Legion." Petra kneels down to Auruo's side, hand on his back, the other his head, and their Captain turns sharply towards the door. "I'm telling Erwin you two are taking the rest of the week off. I expect you gone tomorrow afternoon."

"Captain!" Petra exclaims, but Levi is already moving out the door on his limp, and Barnabas is at Auruo's side, licking his cheek. "…Auruo, hey…" She tilts his head to lean into the crevice of her neck and shoulder, finger nails biting into the back of his bloodied scalp. Tears roll down her cheeks and soak into his matted hair. "I'm so sorry, for all of this. This shouldn't… we shouldn't be going through this. _You_ shouldn't be going through this."

He gradually registers her voice. "P-Petra…"

"I'm so sorry"—she takes his wrist again, her already sticky fingers drowning in garnet fluids—"I'm so, so _sorry_."

The sudden silence is overwhelming.


End file.
